So many "What-ifs", "What did he look like?", "What did he sound like?"
So many stories that others have told me about him but, I personally do not remember anything.
I was only three.
It got even harder when I started having kids.
My thoughts became more along the lines of how he would be as a Pawpaw versus how he would have been as a dad.
I had a dream the other night about someone whom had just lost their father recently. She was going through a tough time and, it seemed as if no one could understand what she was going through.
I recall someone telling her:
"You need Jesus!" and, "Get your life together!"
I remember being in this dream and screaming:
"This is not what she wants to hear! She needs to hear that you will be there for her during this time. She needs to know that she is not alone in this. I have been there!"
I think grief is one of the most overlooked things in regards to being a Christian.
We are supposed to be strong, courageous, and know that death is a part of life.
Some of us carry it by not wanting to be around people and, others are just the opposite and are wanting to be around people to escape the thoughts.
I would describe myself as the one that was trying to be around people to escape the thoughts.
I had heard from others that my dad absolutely loved basketball!
I played my entire childhood to try and, find him in the midst of the game.
He died in 97' and at the time the WNBA was about to begin.
He had the newspaper article about the WNBA coming soon framed for me before he died.
I took it personally. I spent my entire childhood wanting to play in the WNBA.
I quit basketball when I was 14 because it wasn't about me.
It was about my dad.
Basketball was my escape.
So, what does a "father-less" child do when there is no basketball to possibly feel her dad's presence?
Something was missing.
I did not find out what was missing until, honestly, around the age of 23.
Before the age of twenty-three I knew about God but, I didn't know him personally.
I remember how Alex was the day after he got saved. He was a totally different person.
The unexplainable joy..
The peace..
I had the desire to change but, I knew that my grief was the thing that was blocking my joy.
Some people say that they are ready to change until it's time to change.
I had thoughts of "Why did this happen to me?" running through my mind.
In order for me to change this also meant letting these thoughts go.
Grief affected my self-esteem, controlled relationships, and just did not have me as the woman that I needed to be.
I spent many years of searching.
Searching for who I am...
I found Jesus in the midst of hurt, hardship, and setbacks.
I found Him to be a Father when I felt "Fatherless".
I found Him to be a friend when I felt alone.
I found Him to be the strength that I needed when I was weak.
He removed a shield that I had put up for so long.
He calls me Daughter and I call him King.
Not all days have been easy but, I do know now who I am in Christ.
One might ask "Why this topic at this moment?"
You would be surprised at the amount of people that let grief control their lives.
Some of the strongest people we know are fighting battles like grief that we do not even know of.
I had to share my story so that you don't have to feel alone.
There is only one way through your battle and it is Jesus.
Not just knowing Him but, getting to know Him on an even more personal level.
And through Him.. "It is Well!"
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